The Wind Storm

About two and a half years ago, my kids were – for their second time – visiting what would become our house . It was a week-long visit. I knew I hoped I’d be their forever home, but they thought they were just on a vacation.

One afternoon, I was walking around the block while they went ahead of me on their scooters. “This is what it’s going to be like,” I thought to myself smiling calmly.

“ZAC!” I heard, “He fell! There’s blood! He needs help!” my daughter came yelling to me.

The kids had gone around a corner just out of my sight, and my son had slid off a curb and crashed his scooter, gashing his knee in the process. I ran to him, picked him up and ran the rest of the way to the house.

“Grab the scooters!” I yelled behind me.

What a sight we must have been. He was wailing. She was all of 9 years old, dragging two scooters across the concrete. I’m sure I had a look of pure panic on my face. Irrationally, I thought, “They’ll never let me have these kids now!”

The scene in the bathroom was one of more wailing, navigating a very protective older sister and a little boy who had no reason to trust me clinging to my neck while I cleaned the gravel from his knee. We continued to be a sight.


Today, two years and change later, we had an intense wind storm with gusts of 100+ miles per hour. Neighbor Fran texted to let me know our trampoline had taken flight, hung in the power lines for a few minutes and ended up in Neighbor Gary’s yard. So, we had an adventure to look forward when we got home.

Gary answered his door.

“Gary, if you wanted to borrow our trampoline, all you had to do is ask.”

“I think my trampoline days are long gone.”

The kids and I started to pull the legs and such off the trampoline in Gary’s back yard. The boy went back to our house to get the dogs who’d been barking orders at us from across yard back in the house to bring some semblance of calm to the neighborhood.

The girl and I were working and heard the boy yelling, “Come! Come! Come! Come!” Listening through the wind, I heard the tone my heart knows needs me – now.

A gust of wind had blown through the garage door to slam the back door on his fingers. One of them had a decent chunk of skin missing. He clung to me once we were in the bathroom. Unintelligible words coming from his mouth, gulping air. The kind of crying only children can do when life hurts and scares at the same time.

Once I’d determined no need for a visit to urgent care, “I know what we are going to do, but I won’t do anything without you telling me it’s okay. Would you like me to tell you what we’re going to do?”

A whimpering nod.

Around this time, his sister appears. “What’s going on!?”

We explain, wailing much lessened.

She is concerned, but waiting for directions.

We move through the steps of repair. When we run out of things requiring three of us, I ask her to go clean up the shreds of paper the dogs greeted us with when we go home. She goes without argument. She knows I’ve got this.

Once the bandage is secured with ample antiseptic, he asks to go play a video game and she asks to watch a show. I say yes and start to make dinner.

The rest of our evening is status quo. Well, eating dinner with a non-dominant hand was interesting to watch.

Two years ago, or even four months ago, any of these things would have derailed our night and possibly our week.

Tonight, I didn’t stop to think, “This is what it’s going to be like,” because this is simply what it’s like. This is our family.

Next Monday, two years and 16 days since they moved in, we’ll sit in a courtroom, and a judge will make our family official. Tonight, though, we wrangled an errant trampoline, patched up a finger, cleaned up after anxious dogs, ate dinner, and brushed and flossed.

I’d say it’s official.

Play Dates

I’m writing this from the basement.

Upstairs are 5 children under the age of 12. Two of them are mine.

We’ve been having a pretty quiet Sunday morning. I even got coffee on the couch. We started moving around a bit and then the request came, “Can we go see if the kids around the corner can play?”

Sure. We don’t have plans until after lunch. Go run and get your wiggles and sillies out.

A few minutes later, “They can’t play.”

No problem. They settle in. M asks if she can go for a walk. T asks if he can play Spider-Man. Yes to both. I keep moving, cleaning bathroom, moving laundry from dryer to hamper and pretending someone else is coming to fold it all.

A knock at the door.

“Zac, they can play!”

Great!

“They said they just have to be home at 2.”

I look at the clock. It is 10:30 in the morning.

Admittedly, I am relatively new to this play date thing. But, sending your young children to a neighbor’s house for 3.5 hours feels like a big move, right?

I’ve met these kids’ mom one time.

I just realized lunch is within that timeframe. Am I supposed to feed these three?

I mean, of course I’m going to take care of the kids and make sure everyone’s having fun and being safe. I’ll make sure they have a good lunch. I’ll help my kids clean up the messes that follow my specific “you can play with whatever you want as long as everyone picks it up before they go home”.

I’ll parent the hell out of this play date.

And, I’ll keep wondering about the wisdom of this move. I’ll work myself to being okay with assuming there won’t be any reciprocity.

Because, I have two kids and know how much it all feels like on the second day of a weekend when they keep looking to you for what’s next and what they can do and snack. I know what it’s like to have two, and can imagine what it’s like to have three who are all even younger.

Because, sometimes, it’s all so heavy that I understand how a parent brain might think, “That guy with the kids around the corner passed muster in the three minutes I talked to him. Maybe he and his kids can carry this weight for a little bit.”

18 May 21 – The Dentist

This afternoon, we were supposed to go to the dentist. Again.

We were at the orthodontist Friday for my daughter. She had the choice of getting her braces off Friday or keeping them on for a few months longer to really straighten some teeth. It may not surprise you to know she chose to get them taken off.

It did surprise her – and me and her brother – to know the process of having your braces removed. Pliers to pull off the brackets, that drill thing to remove the glue, weird foam in your mouth for retainer impressions.

What I thought was going to be an early morning check in turned into two hours of crying and hugs and “I don’t want to do this. Let’s leave now.” She was saying it, but I was thinking it. Because it was an early morning appointment, we’d not eaten breakfast either. The plan was to check on the braces and pick something up on the way to school.

Dental work can be triggering for kids from trauma. It is invasive and requires you to give up control. These are things folx with no history of trauma find problematic, now multiply that exponentially.

We made it through Friday. The braces are off for a year or so until we head into Phase 2. And, I am incredibly proud of my kids. She made it through and she knew I would be there. She knew she didn’t have to be the bravest person in the room because I’d do that for her as long as she needed to.

And she was still so brave. Brave and trusting.

About my kids and kids in general I’ve heard or read this line several times in the last year, “They’re so resilient.”

And, yeah, they are. But that’s not a reason to ask them to be. My kids, and all kids have proven their resiliency. So, when there’s the chance to not ask them to prove it anymore, I say we take it.

So, I re-scheduled today’s dentist appointments. Pushed them back a few weeks. Decided we could use a night of not proving our resilience to anyone.

27 Jan 21 – Tonight was jam-packed

I made this for dinner tonight. It was delicious.

The 9yo did not think it was delicious. He also did not have the tools or capacity tonight to say it in a way that was kind. So, it was “gross,” “disgusting,” and “horrible.” I told him it was okay that he didn’t like the food, and that those words hurt my feelings.

And, then he was worried that I would get angry. “Now you’re not going to let me have any food. I am going to starve.”

black trash bin with full of trash
Photo by Markus Spiske on Pexels.com

Not getting any food if you don’t eat what’s for dinner is not a rule in our house. Everyone gets to always know they will be able to eat and no one in our family will ever go hungry.

He just couldn’t see it.

It took a few rounds and several minutes of him balled up on my lap hugging me before we got to the words he needed and thereby a bowl of cereal with bananas. We found the light and our way out.

Then.

Tucking in 11yo, I went to kiss her on her forehead and she moved her head forward. I saw stars and both lips were bloodied. I’m at the foot of the bed taking breaths, remaining calm, quietly saying, “Owwwww.”

She’s at the head of the bed, holding her forehead, ramping up because she’s scared I’m mad at her.

I cannot talk because my mouth hurts.

I pull myself together and hug her. “What do you have in your head that makes it so hard?” I ask in an exaggerated voice. It is enough to tease out a giggle. Light and our way out.

After books and rubbing her back, I get up to go.

“Hey, Zac!”

This is our ritual. She’s trying to find something to hold on to the day, the ritual, the time together. Some nights, the “Hey, Zac!” gets out before she’s thought of what she’s going to say or ask, and I stand in the doorway waiting. Tonight there’s no wait.

11yo: Hey, Zac!

Me: Yes, love?

11yo: You are the best dad ever.

Me: You are the best daughter ever.

11yo: Love you. Goodnight.

We find the light and our way out.

21 Jan 21 – Morning Meeting

We have a family morning meeting. The boy suggested it a few weeks ago. There are three standing questions:

  1. How do you feel?
  2. How are you feeling about your day?
  3. What do you want to get done today?

I struggle every morning trying to find a difference between my answers to #1 and #2, but I find a way to make it work. Yesterday, I got to explain optimistic.

white clouds under orange sky during daytime
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

More than any of it, I look forward to their answers. Happy is the most often shared feeling in the morning. It’s when we get to #3 that I get a sense of where their brains and priorities are. It bounces around. Sometimes, its seeing friends. Sometimes, it’s a specific friend. It could be as general as “get my work done” or as specific as “tell my teacher you beat the Spider-Man game”. (I did, and I’m equally proud.)

My moments of self-control happen when their responses are vague. It’s all I can do not to ask for more detail to “get my work done.” I hold back because I know that will come. I hold back, and I model that detail in my own response. I know they are listening because we share our progress when I pick them up from school. “Did you write that thing you wanted to write and send the message to your friends at work?” (I did.)

They are playing with goal setting, and I want it to be just that. Our morning meetings are space for them to mess about with checking in on their own feelings in the moment and experiment with setting a course for the day. There are so many parts of their lives when I and other adults ask them to do it differently or better or again or never again. Our morning meetings are a place where I want them to know none of that will happen. It’s a space where whatever answer is the correct answer.

It’s also a space where I try not to say happy all the time. It’s a little tough, because I usually am. When it’s true, though, I’ll say I’m frustrated or anxious or any other more negative emotion. I do it, one, because it’s what I’m feeling, and, two, because I want them to see I or they can feel those things and the world will not end.

“I am feeling anxious because we got out the door late today, and I’m worried we won’t get to school today. I’m feeling hopeful that feeling will pass and the rest of my day will be better.” Something like that.

All of this has also been a little jarring for me. More accommodating than I’d like to admit, I’m much more likely to put my own emotions on the back burner so as not to get in others’ way. It’s a trait I’m actively working not to pass on to my kids. It’s also personal growth I’m trying to make transparent to them. Grown ups learn too.

I hope the other grown ups to whom I entrust them each day are making similar spaces for them. In between math and reading, I hope they have moments surrounded by peers and teachers where the community checks in with itself to see what it needs to support its members.

Mine aren’t the only kids hungry for these spaces. I’m not the only adult who needs to learn how to answer these questions honestly. I hope our schools and classrooms recognize the value and extent to which doing this work can make the academic work so much better.

17 Jan 21 – My Daughter Likes a Book

If you know me, this won’t surprise you, but I treasure reading to my kids each night as they go to bed. There’s a connectedness in reading at bedtime I can’t seem to scrape together during the day. It’s also one-on-one time with each of them, something each of them would like to have, but not necessarily like the other one to have.

While, I love reading to them, neither one of them has shown a great interest in reading beyond the mechanical, “I guess I should learn how to do this.”

Then, Friday morning, my daughter made me cry.

“Do you want to know what we’re reading in class?” she asked as we were driving to school.

I told her yes, and words and ideas burst forth from her in ways I’ve never seen in relation to a book. She turned around mid-sentence to tell her brother he’d probably like the book too “because there’s space in it”.

She pulled it from her backpack to show me the cover. Then, started flipped through pages to find something. Once, there, she determinedly read a sentence aloud. This was the sentence she’d used in her writing about the book, she told me, pulling out her school work to show me where she’d written that same sentence.

“And, I said yard was the most important word in the chapter because, well, the whole thing is about the yards, so that’s definitely the most important.”

She talked about this book for nearly 10 minutes. I’m grateful she didn’t stop to ask questions because I was trying to drive and hold together how proud I was for those 10 minutes.

I didn’t hold it together later. Sitting at my desk, I emailed her entire teaching team, tears running down my cheeks, to let them know what happened. These are the people who have made her feel safe, capable, and smart. She knows she’s protected in the school, and that gives her brain the security it needs to start to learn. What a remarkable thing. What remarkable people.

She likes a book.

15 Jan 21 – Friday Night Rites

I didn’t have a lot of traditions and rituals in mind when I became a parent. Holidays and the lot, sure. But I don’t know that I had anything in mind apart what might come marked on calendars.

One surfaced in our first weeks as a family, though.

Every Friday, we order pizza and watch a movie. Which movie is on a choice rotation from oldest to youngest. The pizza is almost always Papa Murphy’s. (Every Friday, $5 large thin crust cheese, sausage, or pepperoni pizzas!) And, the movies can be television shows, holiday specials, or pieces of a few things until the chooser finds just the right film.

I’ve seen Season 2 Episode 2 of Netflix’s Ultimate Beastmaster more times than I can count. Same for Disney’s Zombies and Zombies 2.

Part of the fun of Friday Movie Night is its transgression against one of our other rituals – dinner together at the dinner table. Quite a little bit of research speaks to the importance of eating dinner together each night, but it just sort of happened for us.

Stealing from another movie The Story of Us, we take turns each night sharing our “high” and “low” from the day. Right now, it’s a lot of modeling from me. We also learned in our first couple goes that someone naming you in their description of their low for the day was not that person trying to make you feel bad or pick on you.

Many nights, the kids say they don’t have a low. Then I share mine, and they say, “Oh, that’s my low too.” This happens even if my low was about something that happened at work. I know what’s going on developmentally, so I never comment on it.

I know, if I let things develop organically, when we enter adolescence, this piece of ritual will give me some rare glimpses into their lives.

It’s also why the transgression of Family Movie Night is so important to us. We get to eat DOWNSTAIRS! We watch TV while we eat. We get to stay up late, though one of us tends to be zonked about 45 minutes in.

When we have visitors on Fridays (which used to be a thing), the kids are excited to welcome them into our tradition. It’s special for us, so it will clearly be special for our guests. It’s a testament to my friends that they’ve stuck out some pretty heinous choices.

In both these cases, it has struck me how easily these rituals came into being. No special forethought to get them started, no real planning. How easy these little things became big and important parts of who we are.

13 Jan 21 – Once a runner

This is the longest I’ve gone without running since I started running 18 years ago. I’ve taken breaks. The couple of times I did two marathons within a couple weeks of each other I was off my feet for a few months. It worked out okay because that was a stupid thing to do (twice) and my brain would have no more of that nonsense.

Not running wasn’t a thing I’d registered I’d be giving up on the road to single parenthood. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. But, both kids are too young for me to head out for any decent distance. We all get anxious when I tell them I’m taking one of the dogs on a walk around the block. We’ve tried going on a run together – one on a bike, the other running with me. We made it a mile in about 20 minutes. I wouldn’t say it was running so much as moving quickly in short bursts with bickering in between. So, not exactly what I was looking for.

Plus, there’s a pandemic on. Combine that with my first full year of parenting and I’m always exhausted. I’m not, it turns out, too exhausted to snack. The steps and stamina required to snack are well within my much diminished capabilites.

What I also knew clearly but hadn’t registered was the break that running gives me. I’m not an athlete. I have no interest in lifting heavy things. I cannot dribble anything other than hot soup. I was on the losingest t-ball team in our league the year I played.

When I found running, something worked. It was time to myself. I couldn’t do anything else. In the last 18 years, when I had something I needed to process, I went for a run.

I’ve needed running this year, and it’s been just out of reach.

Tomorrow, at lunch time, I’m going for a run. It won’t be long. It’ll kick my ass. Two days from now, I’ll curse myself. For two miles tomorrow, though, I’ll be a runner again. I’ll let you know how it goes.

9 Jan 21 – Oh yeah, I’m a dad.

So, I realize I haven’t really talked about the fact I’m a dad now. I am. I have two kids – an 11yo daughter and a 9yo son. They are tremendous.

My pathway to parenthood was foster-to-adopt. I’ve known forever I want to be a dad. Forever. Figuring out the how was a little trickier. For a while, I anticipated I’d be married and we’d either adopt or go through a surrogate. At some point, though, I either got tired of waiting or didn’t like the idea of my parenting being dependent on another person. (It’s possible I’ve been single too long.)

So, I attended an informational session organized by Raise the Future, outlining the numerous pathways to adopting. While I love babies, I didn’t need the newborn experience to feel like a full parent.

From the informational meeting, I found a local adoption agency, set up a meeting and got the process going. I’ll write more about the process throughout the year. Suffice it to say, I’m a dad now. It’s part of the reason last year saw two posts on the blog. Parenting is hard. Adopting is hard. My kids moved in Dec. 4, 2019. Over the Christmas holiday, our dog was diagnosed with cancer and put down just after the new year. In March, the pandemic started. Parenting and adopting during a pandemic that requires social isolation is very hard.

This has been the hardest year of my life. I have felt more alone than ever before. I have felt unsure of every option in front of me. I have felt deep sadness grieving the life I had before. I have wondered how I will get to the other side of this.

I love it. I choose it every day, and I love it.

Last week, my daughter ran up to me when I arrived to pick her up from school. She was distraught, sad, near tears. A friend who’d said she’d play with her had decided, instead, to play with another girl. My daughter hugged me as we walked and told me how sad she was. A year ago, heck, three months ago, that wouldn’t have happened.

Now, though, more often than not, they both look for me when their worlds get heavy or scary.

They are also starting to share their joys more.

My son has reported two new best friends at school this week. This morning, he told me they were his bosses, “Like you have a boss.” His understanding of bosses and friendships not withstanding, he’s connecting at his new school, making friends, feeling safe. He’s finding his people.

When I was younger, my mom was constantly telling others about my sister and me. It always struck me as odd. Her job was an important and busy one. Why would she bring up her kids to colleagues or take time to tell stories about us?

I get it now.

I have told no fewer than 1 billion people my daughter can solve 3-digit by 3-digit multiplication problems. When my son read a story by himself for the first time, the video made its way to his entire teaching team, my moms, my sister, my brother-in-law, and several friends. Frankly, now that I’m a parent, I can’t believe my mom ever shut up about us to get any work done.

I live and breathe with their every win and every loss. I want to shield them from every hurt they could possibly feel. And, I want them to live big, bold lives feeling all things deeply.

Most of the time, I know I’m doing it wrong. Every once in a while, I have a brief moment of thinking I’m doing it right.

That, I’ve been told, is parenting.

6 Jan 21 – Why I didn’t tell you today happened

A few months ago, deep in pandemic isolation, you pointed to the Abraham Lincoln salt and pepper shakers our family made sure remind us of Illinois and asked who that guy was. That was the first time you really heard about a president.

I was happy, in these times, Lincoln was the first one you would learn about. Imperfect, certainly, but more often than not, a man to listen to his better angels. The conversation turned to where Lincoln lives now. I explained his death. I told you the name John Wilkes Booth and you both had huge eyes.

For what seemed like an hour, you took turns asking some version of, “But why would he do that?”

“He was angry,” was insufficient to such an act of violence against someone you were understanding was a good human.

I knew, once you knew Lincoln was gone, the question was coming.

“Do we have a president now?”

“Yes.”

“Who is he?”

I told you his name.

Since I knew we would become a family during his presidency, I’ve been bracing for the questions, planning how I would respond. Telling you what to think is not in my DNA, but presenting any piece of these last five years as anything akin to a neutral narrative would be lying. And, we don’t lie.

So, I waited for the tough questions. You only had one.

After I told you his name, one of you looked at me and asked, “Is he kind?”

I felt a surge of relief and sorrow. I knew the answer, and I did not want you to know it.

“No,” I said, “He is not kind.”

You had many follow-up questions. Instances where you wanted to know if he’d chosen kindness. For each, I could honestly tell you no.

“Does he have kids?” you finally asked.

“He does,” I said.

“Is he kind to his kids?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

I can see both of you staring at me. Brown eyes as wide as I’d ever seen them. Taking it all in.

After a pause, “But if he is not kind, why did people vote for him to be president?”

I still don’t know how to answer that question in a way you would accept. That people might pick someone unkind to do a job as important as you were beginning to understand the presidency to be was inconceivable.

Neither of you needed the world to be any more fragile or unpredictable. When one of you became obsessed with the election as it drew near, I knew it was because you needed a wrong to be righted. You didn’t need a unkind adult in power over you. You started having trouble sleeping. It broke my heart the day after the election not to ease your mind. I felt myself willing the count in Pennsylvania more for what you needed to be true than for what we needed as a country.

Your cheers in the car after I told you it was decided…

So, today, when I collected you from school, I did not tell you what happened. I could not make your world seem anymore unsteady than it already has been. I could not tell you. I will not hasten your understanding of the ugliness in this world.

Instead, we talked about kindness. As I always do, when I tucked you both in, I asked how you were smart, how you were brave, and how you were kind in your day. Then, as I always do, I asked what you would do to make tomorrow a little bit better.

Not telling you about today was not turning a blind eye to the world. It was a decision not to let the ugliness of that world dictate how we think about our own ability to create beauty.

We will continue to talk about the content of character, love being love, and what to do when faced with those who would tell you color and orthodoxy matter more. I will challenge your proclivities to like things because others like them. I will do my best to respectfully reply to your questions each time you challenge my authority. I will work to model what it looks like to stand up to bullies, cruelty, and liars.

I didn’t tell you what happened today because there will undoubtedly be more days like today, and I want to use the time we have now to help you be prepared to face them in ways that are smart, brave, and kind.