My Anger and My Fear

I am angry, and I am scared.

I forgot they were shooting at us. In the year since I was granted the right to marry whomever I want and the words, “It is so ordered” were tattooed on my heart, I let my guard down and forgot they were shooting at us. It had been nice living in a foolish state of ignorance about the fact strangers want me dead.

I am worried for the kids like me. In the towns small and large, there are queer kids who haven’t said anything to anyone about what they know makes them different, because, somehow, other people know and ridicule them for even a perceived difference. In too many schools, like mine, that ridicule and vitriol go unanswered by the very adults whose job it is to care for and protect these students. I worry for the kids like me who were maybe hopeful that life after school would be better, because they have seen the world will let things get much worse.

I am crushed by the almost immediate straight washing of the reporting and response to this massacre at a gay club. While it is no less saddening to see Republican congresspeople sidestepping any acknowledgement that members of the LGBTQ community were killed in Orlando, it’s not surprising. To see headlines remove the word “gay” in news reporting, though, hurt and surprised. It eased the road to, “We are all Orlando,” which hurt my heart in ways I can only imagine are similar to the hurt my friends of color feel every time someone proclaims, #AllLivesMatter.

I am stung by the fact that this overt act of homohatred also illuminated the institutionalized policies of homophobia that prevented so many survivors, friends, and family of those injured in the attack from donating blood. Compounded by the fact these arcane rules were born out of a health crisis representing one of the most horrible failures of a government to protect its citizens.

All of this is to say keep your thoughts and prayers. Send your words and actions.

If, at some point you let a child or adult in your care say something derogatory about an LGBTQ person, you helped pave a path to queer-identifying kids believing they are less-than.

And then, when they saw someone actually shooting at them in a place that has, throughout history been a symbol of safety and togetherness, they put two and two together and realized the danger they felt in your classroom was much bigger in the wider world.

You may say “We are all Orlando,” but that’s not all we are.
We are the ugly tacit approval of everything that led to the killing of 49 members of my community being shot at a gay club in Orlando last weekend.

Don’t think and pray. Do and say.

That is what I’m feeling.

One thought on “My Anger and My Fear

  1. For Zac
    June 19, 2016

    Bullied
    Beaten
    Madness
    Not female
    Not male
    Androgynous Light
    Electrical empathy
    Not child
    Not youth
    Not adult
    Bullied
    Beaten
    Nasty names
    From nasty
    Ignorant humans
    Not white enough
    Not pretty enough
    Not happy enough
    Not social enough
    Not intelligent enough
    Not every enough
    Enough
    Enough
    Enough
    Too many freckles
    Too often too quiet
    Too pudgy
    Too smart
    Too many words
    Too many feelings
    Too much anger
    Too much fear
    Too much sadness
    Broken
    Six decades
    Learning
    Learning
    Learning
    Too much
    Too much
    Too much
    Enough enough enough
    What learning
    What meaning
    What belonging
    Longing
    Looking
    Wishing
    Hoping
    Hopeful
    Enough learning
    Enough hope
    Enough too much
    Peace
    Need peace
    Want peace
    Have peace
    Peace out
    Respect
    Peace out
    Respect

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