When we fail in this diagnostic role we begin to worry about ‘assessment.’
– David Hawkins
I’m struggling to write tonight. I’ve been struggling to write for the last few days.
I’ve an assignment due tomorrow – 8-10 pages, and I can’t get myself invested in it. Or, I’m too invested in it.
For the last assignment in this class, I submitted work of which I was proud. I spent time and thought on the assignment. I worked to refine my thinking and understand which other thinkers served as progenitors to my ideas.
My work was submitted with a feeling of having been thoughtful and diligent in my work. I had learned something new and refined old thinking.
When I got my assignment back, I struggled to find positive comments. I struggled to find comments that were in response to my ideas.
I didn’t need praise lobbed at me or ego stroking. I just needed a clear sign of where I was on the right track; otherwise, I start to question if I was anywhere near that track.
Because I am who I am, I submitted a re-write of the assignment. Re-doubling my efforts, I consulted the rubric even more the second time than the first.
While my grade on the second attempt was higher than the grade on the first, I’m still sitting here stymied as I work to complete this new assignment.
It’s a horrible feeling.
I don’t know what I did well in the last assignment upon which I can build for this go-round. I have lists of things to avoid, but I don’t know what I’m good at in context of trying to do what’s been asked of me.
I’ll write more tonight.
I’ll write more tomorrow.
I’ll turn in my assignment tomorrow.
I’ll be hesitant to feel proud.
And the thing that kills me – that absolutely drive me batty – the work I did on the first assignment and the work I did for the re-write was fine work. I am still proud of that work.
But there’s a teacher’s opinion in there. There’s a teacher’s opinion muddying the waters of my learning.
And I’m really hating the fact that matters to me.
